A Few Very Important and Completely Mandatory Things To Do Before Focusing on Finals Week.

Disclaimer: Failure to complete these activities may result in half-decent grades on final exams. 

1.

Before even attempting to drag your exhausted and paradoxically caffeine-laden corpse out of bed, figure out how many times your fan spins per minute. Simply count how many times it spins... in a minute. It's recommended that you have your fan turned up to its fastest setting in order to complicate and therefore elongate the process.

*May result in dizziness. If it does, this is a great reason to go the heck back to sleep. 

Prerequisite: If you can't count, this activity probably isn't for you. You should probably go find a math book. Or watch Sesame Street.

2. 

Before making your breakfast, think of possible male and female names for every egg/unborn chicken in your egg carton. Each one has to have its own unique personality and egg-ish flare, so get creative. 

*May result in emotional attachment to breakfast food. If this happens, grab the Rice Crispies, and proceed to draw/paint a face on each individual shell. Build them beds. Read them stories. Make sure to tuck them in at night. 

3. 

While you shower (this should take about an hour and a half, at minimum. If it takes any shorter, you are not actually clean, you are smelly and disgusting, and you should be ashamed of yourself.), read the ingredients of every bottle of shampoo, conditioner and body wash that you can get your grimy little hands on. If you do not know what each ingredient is, be sure to Google it upon getting out of the shower. Continue to do research until you are fully aware of the chemical makeup of all your bodily cleaners. 

*Guar Hydroxypropyltrimonium Chloride is a real thing. Trust me. I checked.

4.

Before getting dressed, lay out all possible outfit combinations. Put on a brief fashion show in your bedroom. Or your hallway. Or the sidewalk. Check out the outfits from all angles. Snap some pics. Send them to your friends. And your family. And random numbers, if you want some unbiased feedback.

*I am not liable for negative responses to your model shots. That's on you, friend.

Prerequisite: Bring your own fashion sense. Style will not be provided. If you are having trouble with this, take some time to read up on the latest fashion magazines. If you are still having trouble, invest in a burlap sack and give up completely. 

5. 

Carry a small plastic bag with you and collect and dust particles you encounter throughout your morning. Be sure to thoroughly check under your bed, on top of your fan, in the corners of each room, and every other square inch of your dwelling. When you have acquired an admirable amount of dust, construct an exact replica of the Statue of Liberty from your collection. Tweezers are a helpful tool to successfully execute this task.

*When complete, build a plaque for your creation, and present it as an offering to the professor with the hardest exam. You may be excused from your final by reason of insanity. 

Of all these exciting options, of course, the best way to procrastinate and avoid thinking about finals week is to sit down and write an article about it. 

But who's crazy enough to do that?

 

-eg 


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